Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.James 1:2-4
I haven’t shared any updates on our journey in a while because it has been a lot and very overwhelming. So much has occurred; so many thoughts, too many emotions, but I have committed to being open and sharing as an act of faith, so let’s get into it…
As I mentioned so much has occurred since my last post, so I will pick up where that left off. In my last post, we were preparing to start IVF October 31, believing in God to supply the funds for our expensive treatment and walking in faith. Well, my IVF cycle was canceled and we did not begin. I went in on October 31 for my baseline appointment, which is bloodwork and an ultrasound to check out my ovaries and make sure everything is good to begin stims (injections that stimulate the ovaries). I left the doctor’s office with the okay to begin injections that night. Never thought I would ever be excited about giving myself shots, but I was! The shots meant we were a step closer to our miracle baby.
That evening I was home, prepping my meds for Joe to give me my first shot that night when he got home. Then I got a call that changed everything. My doctor called me with the horrible news that my bloodwork from earlier that day came back abnormal, “borderline premenopausal” is what he said – and I always quote him because I want to remember those exact words for when we receive our miracle so that everyone knows it was nothing and no one but God. Anyway, Dr. D was just as floored as I was, saying he didn’t understand what happened or what changed because my FSH levels, which were “sky high”, had been normal all this time, pre and post-surgery. He explained to me what all that meant, I was trying to write it all down so I could google it later, but I was shaking and my heart was beating a mile a minute. Like what the HECK?! What does this mean? Premenopausal, like menopause? I’m only 33!! None of it made sense. He told me he had to cancel my cycle, he apologized and said that he would call me the next day. I just remember falling to the ground sobbing. Joe wasn’t home at the time and I didn’t want to text him to tell him what happened because he was in class and I knew he would leave and rush home. I grabbed all the meds I laid out and in anger threw them back in the box and tossed the box to the side. I was devastated.
I remember crawling into my bed and crying for about an hour until Joe came home and Cairo (my sweet dog) laying close to me in comfort, probably wondering why the heck I was in such distress. Joe walked through the door weirdly excited about the injections asking me if I was ready. I think I said, “we can’t, it’s canceled”, and started crying all over again. Through the tears and the
Dr. D called me the next morning asking me how I was doing. I love that he does this; he truly cares, man. He kept saying he wanted to “figure this thing out”, and told me his game plan, which included retesting (more bloodwork) for me and obtaining past records of bloodwork from previous doctors to make sure there wasn’t anything overlooked. He also asked me if I had thought about donor eggs in the event we aren’t able to use my eggs if my body truly was going into menopause. Umm no! Hadn’t thought about that, don’t want to think about that! He told me to put this in the back of my mind as an alternative. To be honest, I wasn’t in the right mental space to even think about that. I wanted my own doggone eggs and I needed them to act right! Period.
At this point, I just couldn’t understand why this was happening. I was, at that time, committed to 21 days of fasting and praying with my family. I was exercising my crazy faith and in a place of peace, yet there I was IVF cycle canceled and back a square one. I was even prepared to use a credit card that we had just paid off to cover the IVF cycle, but God put a pause on all of that and told me to wait. I hate waiting.
Although I was devastated and let myself experience all the emotions, there was still a calmness encompassing my entire body. Despite how I was feeling, there was something inside of me that would not let me give up, something that still clung to that promise God revealed to me, something that assured me it was going to be okay and this was all part of God’s perfect plan – I like to call that something, faith. I didn’t accept or believe the results of the bloodwork and claimed in Jesus’ name that the retesting would produce new results. In my heart, I knew those results were inaccurate and that it was God’s way of telling me to wait as I had ignored a few signs that I needed to wait and not proceed with the November cycle. It became clear what God was trying to tell me.(Somewhere during this time, I had a dream and I’ll share that in a min.)
I continued to press on and I watched how God revealed His constant faithfulness and assurance to me in other ways. I received a job promotion (with
On November 25 I went back in for retesting. October 31 until then seemed like forever. They had received all my previous medical records and nothing was out of the ordinary. I was very nervous about the bloodwork results and the next day I believe the receptionist called me asking if Joe and I could come in the upcoming Monday to discuss the next steps. That was it. I kind of lost it. She didn’t say anything about the results, so I assumed it was not good if they needed us to come in to discuss. That was the day I hit such a low point where I cried off and on all day. My mind had been racing, going back and forth. What if my bloodwork came back the same as before? What if they can’t use my eggs and I have to use donor eggs? What if I am going through early menopause? I let myself explore all of those what-ifs and feel all the emotions, then I took all those thoughts captive and gave them over to God in exchange for some peace. I couldn’t allow myself to stay in that place, I needed peace and that is what the Holy Spirit, our advocate, gave me. I enjoyed my Thanksgiving and long weekend not worrying about the results of the bloodwork.
That Monday I walked into that office with confidence and peace. I chose to allow my heart to accept whatever the outcome instead of worrying and telling God what I didn’t want to happen. Sometimes we can get so stuck in what we want or don’t want that our hearts become closed and unaccepting of the will of God. Throughout this whole journey, I had become so accustomed to saying what I didn’t want to happen that each time God allowed that very thing to happen. This time I wanted to do something differently, so I stopped saying “I don’t want…” and started saying “help me to accept…” Listen!! When you are faithful and you surrender (your thoughts, your will, your desires), God will come through!
Joe and I were in the room with Dr. D waiting for the results. We were ready. I had the ‘Health Stories’ app set to record the entire convo so I could have it for my records and I had a list of questions I wanted to ask in my notes app (I had about 10 questions, majority of them related to donor eggs). He first asked me how I was doing/how we were doing (there he goes again ☺️), then proceeded to tell us that everything came back normal, with the exception of my AMH levels due to endometriosis (related to ovarian reserve), which we already knew had been low. He couldn’t explain why my levels from the last results were so high (I know why – God allowed it), but he said where I am now we are good to start IVF in January. We were so relieved! He asked me if I had any questions, but I didn’t even need to ask what I had written down! I felt like God honored my faithfulness. So, earlier I mentioned a dream. Somewhere in these four weeks, I had a dream that Joe and I were meeting with Dr. D and he told us we were good to start IVF. I don’t know how or why I forgot that dream, but God brought it back to my remembrance after that appointment. I couldn’t do anything but cry tears of gratitude that God cares so much that He assures us even when we aren’t paying attention. God is so dope!
If you’ve read this to the end, you’re the real MVP. I appreciate the love and support of those who are riding with us on this journey. It’s not easy, but I think it’s a little better when you have people in your corner rooting for you. I want to encourage anyone who is in a season of waiting. Regardless of what you are waiting for, if God has promised you, He will do it. It won’t be on your timing, it won’t even be how you envisioned. Surrender your desires and seek Him first daily. He will grant you peace in your waiting and your miracle will be oh-so-worth-it and better than you ever imagined 💛